


I May Not Admit It but I Need You Here

by orphan_account



Category: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre: Angst, Boy x boy, Depression, Drinking, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, descriptions of drinking, descriptions of self harm, descriptions of suicide attempts, its really dark, kyoya is a bitch in the first chapter, tamaki is lonely, the whole first chapter is literally the darkest thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 05:58:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4613796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tamaki doesn't knows what's wrong with him, and frankly it scares him. He can't focus. He's failing all his classes, and he can't stop messing up no matter how hard he tries. So he leaves, he goes home early. And when Kyoya asks if he's okay, he lies.</p><p>And it's the biggest mistake he's ever made.</p><p> ~Tamakyo, Tamaki x Kyoya, Kyotama~</p><p>•WARNINGS: RATED MATURE FOR DARK THEMES, DEPRESSION, SWEARING AND SELF-HARM IN EARLY CHAPTERS, AS WELL AS BOYxBOY FLUFF IN LATER CHAPTERS•</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THIS!!! ITS VERY DARK AND MATURE AND HAS DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF-HARM, DRINKING, AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. BOY X BOY, DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ.

_Tick. Three. Tock. Four. Tick. Five. Tock. Six. Tick. Seven. Tock. Eight. Tick. Nine. Tock. Twelve. Tick. Thirteen. Tock. Fourteen-_  
"Tamaki." I ignore whoever was speaking to me and continued counting along with the littlest hand on the clock. Thanks to them, I've lost my place.  
 _Tock. Eighteen. Tick. Nineteen. Tock. Twenty. Tick. Twenty-one. Tick. Twenty-_  
 _"Tamaki?"_ I grit my teeth and tear my gaze away from the clock. But I wipe the frustration from my gaze before they can see it. I glance over like I didn't hear them.   
"Kyoya?" I mumble. He rolls his eyes.  
"The bell rang fifteen minutes ago. Why are you still sitting there?" I blink in surprise. Why am I still sitting here? I didn't even hear the bell ring. I'm usually right up out of my seat once the sweet cry of the schoolbells hit my ears. I shrug and gather my stuff.  
"Just got distracted." I lie to him assuringly. I walk out of the classroom and ignore his concerned look. I have my maths class next, but I don't really feel like going. What difference will it make if I miss? I'm pretty much failing anyways. Failing math. And science. And english. And foreign language. Failing my entire year. Just like everything else. Why do I have to mess everything up? And why do I seem to  _fail_  all the time no matter how hard I try? Sloppy handwriting, sloppy effort, sloppy focus. I can't even seem to care anymore, that's the funny thing.   
So I don't go to math. I walk up to the third floor and go to Music Room 3 instead, pull aside the yellow curtain and lift the piano cover, sitting down at the grand piano's bench. I play Winters' Kiss, a happy, poppy tune. But when my fingers hit the notes they come out sad and lonely. In my frustration at this I hit the wrong key and it makes me wince. I try again. I pause, my fingers hovering over the keys halfway through. I've forgotten what comes next. Another song, I mess up again. And no matter how hard I try I fail again and again, seemingly unable to focus. With one last frustrated sigh, I slide back the cover of the piano and leave the instrument behind. I exit the yellow curtain with my head down, and I don't know where I'm going now but I'm stopped.  
Kyoya is lazily studying me from the couch. I turn a light red. Did he just hear all my mistakes, then, just now? Yes, yes he did. With a small intake of air I give him a tiny, fake smile... Just like all the rest I've been giving lately, and am about to leave the room.

A hand on my shoulder.  
A glance behind me.  
A wall of fake emotion that says I'm okay.  
I assure him I'm just a little tired today.  
There is no more hand on my shoulder.  
I am free to leave the room.  
I place my hand on the doorknob.   
I linger.  
Why do I linger?  
I've just lied to Kyoya, that's why.  
Kyoya, my best friend.  
I've lied for the first time to him.  
Straight to his face.   
And he speaks at last,  
"Care to tell the truth, Tamaki?"   
And my hand slides from the doorknob.  
I spin around with a light smile. Fake, fake, fake.  
A fake wink.  
A fake reassurance.  
I pull open the door with a fake burst of carefree energy.   
A fake little lie about a conference I'm leaving easily for.  
"That's all it is," a lie comes out. "I'm just nervous for it."  
And I leave with a fake spring in my step.   
 _He knows you're lying. He's not going to chase you though, because he doesn't care. No one cares about you. Poor. Lonely. Bastard-child. So far from home and missing his mother._ I freeze at the cold whisper in my head. I shake it off and shut the door and call my chauffeur to come and pick me up early. He comes and I leave and go home early. I rummage around then for sleep medicine and take a small dose. I need my thoughts to be quiet. I need them to calm because I feel undone and frantic and I can't focus. What's happening to me?  
 _Can't even think right. What can you do right?_ The chilled voice in my head whispers. I gasp.  _Go away,_ I tell it.   
I take a larger dose of medicine. My thoughts hush and the world stills and it's nice and soft and blurry. It's nice. This is nice. And right here on the cold tile, I slip into sleep.  
_________________________________  
I wake up groggily the next morning to insistent knocking.   
"Tamaki? Are you in there? You're going to be late!" My maid chides me. I groan loudly. Fine. Let me be late.   
"I feel sick, Mai," I lie once more. What's the harm? I'm fake enough as it is. "I'm staying home, please." A moment of silence and I'm rewarded with a curt agreement and footsteps walking away.   
I stand and stretch. My thoughts aren't hushed anymore and they swirl around in my head, the medicine having worn off. I'm a mess, I'm frantic, I'm unfocused. I can't stop thinking. I didn't miss this last night when the numbness took over. I take more sleep medication. A lot more. I spend all day in and out of a pleasant sleepy consciousness. I don't go to school. No one calls and asks why. I don't go the next day or the next day or the next day or the next because this is just too nice and I much prefer it to cold mean reality. No one asks why still. Because My Voice is right. Nobody cares. I throw my phone at the wall with a slightly crazed smirk and it breaks. I run out of medication and send for more. The world becomes fuzzy again and my thoughts become quieted. Why did I not ever think of this before? This wonderful in-and-out feeling that I'm there but I'm not all at the same time. I'm there. I'm alive. But I don't think and I'm dazed with beautiful tiredness and often times I just sleep.

The silence of my wonderful fuzzed reality is broken a little later. I've just decided that this wonderful medicine is like alcohol but better. There is no hangover, but there is the joy of being numbed. And that's when the loud creak of my door cuts through the silence like a rippling red streak in my vision. I groan and pull the blankets over my head.  
"Go away." I mutter at whoever is there. It's slurred, but who are my maids to care?   
 _Nobody cares_! My Voice shrieks gleefully. My Voice has been my only company for... Two... Three days? Since I first took the medicine. He's my friend. He's different. He tells me the truth.   
"Where have you been?" The offender to the silence asks. It's Kyoya. Why is he even here? He doesn't even care. He's faking it, just like everyone else.   
"Sick," I slur. I hear him scoff. My Voice makes a rude remark about Kyoya.   
"You sound drunk," he mutters. "And you've missed nearly two weeks of school."   
Liar.  
"Nuh-uh! Don't be so  _dramatic_ , Kyoya," I spit out the mean words he uses with me so often. "It's been  _three_   _days_." Kyoya is silent. Did he get the hint? I want to be  _alone_.   
"Are you...  _Drunk_?" Kyoya hisses. Now I sit up shakily and glare at him.  
"I'm not drunk!" I declare defensively. "I'm just  _sick._ So just go home. I thought you were the smart one." His eyes narrow.   
"You're not drunk? You think it's only been three days, your speech is incredibly slurred and you're not acting like... Yourself. What have you had to drink, Tamaki?"   
" _Nothing_!" I hiss. "I'm just tired from the... sleepy-stuff." He stares at me. I giggle, I admit, a little drunkly. I gesture to about where I last remember leaving the glorious plastic bottle from the drugstore. He's silent. At last he sighs and grabs the bottle. I hear him leave and huff angrily. That bottle was new!  
 _He just wants you to suffer! Just like everyone else. He's just jealous that you're finally happy and he's not._ My Voice scoffs. I hear Kyoya command my maids not to allow me anymore sleep medication, rambling off a list of perfectly good reasoning. However, I give an indignant gasp. He returns.  
"No more? Whaddaya  _mean_ , no more!?" I pout. He tells me in a cold tone that I clearly can't take medicine correctly or else I wouldn't practically be dead-drunk and missing two weeks of school. My anger bubbles up.  
"Screw school!" I yell, startling us both. "Screw it. Why do I have to fucking go? I'm no good anyways, it won't make a difference. Oh wait- grandmother will be disappointed? News flash, she's  _always_  disappointed in me!" And now as tears rush to my eyes I give him a defiant look. "You can't make me go! You can't tell my maids to do  _anything_. Im staying here-  _forever_! And I'm never gonna leave, and you can't change that. So you can just stop pretending to give a  _shit_  and  _leave_." And he does. He walks right out. He shuts the door and this time he doesn't come back.

I beg them for more medicine. I try to go get it myself. I can't. They can't see it though, that I  _need_  it. My thoughts are loud and annoying and won't shut up. They're depressing. I lock myself in my bathroom, sliding my back down against the door until I'm once again sitting on the cold tile of the bathroom floor.   
" _You're acting drunk,"_ My Voice reminds me of Kyoya's mean words.  _Show what drunk is really like! You said it yourself, ''sleep medicine is like alcohol, only better.' Well, who needs better? Prove it. I'll bet the real stuff is a hell of a lot better!_ And I agree. Fucking screw Ootori. If he wants  _drunk_  he can have it! I scramble down to the kitchens. I do just that.

My Voice was right. This is better.  
_________________________________  
I keep that up until I realize there's one minor setback. Hangovers suck. There's where I meet another new friend. Pain-Killer. Pain-Killer who numbs everything. My thoughts keep hushed and my pain feels numbed. My Voice keeps my company, telling me the truth. Nobody comes except my grandmother and father still. My grandmother tells and slaps me three or four times and then leaves. My father calls me a disappointment. And I agree with both of them.  
I agree with the pain of my grandmothers hits and with the cold harsh words that washed over me from their mouths. And that's when I think my little group of friends became complete. An accident in itself to be honest. Stumbling for my stash tucked away and hidden in the kitchens when instead I stumble upon a shelf of knives.   
The Pain-Killers numb out the pain.  
Alcohol numbs out reality and rationality and emotion.   
And the Knifes dance on my skin and paint a beautiful picture in red on the blank canvas of my skin.   
And My Voice tells me it's all worth it. My Voice assures me that I deserve this.   
_________________________________  
It's a week later when I realize that not all my friends really were there. Because then the real last friend introduced himself. He calls himself Death. He calls to me, sings to me and makes me wonderful promises. My Voice assures me that he speaks the truth. Alcohol makes him appealing and Pain-Killers temp me to him. The Blade makes me realize the beauty in him. But there is, of course, a catch. Death isn't just gonna waltz on into my life like all of my other friends have.   
I've got to earn his approval. I've got to complete his initiation. All of us do, my and my little group of friends. And I agree. For all of us.   
So the Blade bites deeper and stings stronger. Alcohol makes sure I don't regret it. And Pain-Killers do the real job. Instead of only inviting two or three of my little white friends... I invite them all. All of the residents of that little white bottle slide down my throat. I invite them all to this party. The deserve the invitation, after all.   
And as I lay there Death judges whether we've earned his approval the red jagged lines shoot across my vision again with a familiar  _squeak_. That's when I feel tears pool up in my eyes as I realize even Death decided I wasn't good enough for him as I hear the bittersweet paining sound of,  
"Tamaki? I'm sorry about-  _oh_   _my_   _god_ ,  _no_."  
But Death still urges me on just a little as Pain-Killers do their one last deed for me and everything becomes a sweet and beautiful black.   
_________________________________  
And then as white swims back into my head, there's a loud and annoying  _beep, beep, beep._ I feel sick. Like my stomachs been taken out and then it back in. My arms are wrapped in gauze and I've got IVs running into the back of my hand. I expect the tears that come and cloud my gaze to be from the bitter ache of realizing even  _Death_  rejected me. But instead they come from a worse realization. One that came with being sober for the first time since I lied to Kyoya. I realize what I've done. I realize this mistake is worse than any I've ever made before. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I tuck my head in between my legs and let out loud wrenching sobs that echo in the quiet lonely room. I want to go back. I want to go back to that day and I want to tell Kyoya the truth. I want to tell him what really happened, what was  _really_  wrong. Why I was  _really_  upset. I want him to help me make my thoughts clear and I want him to help me get rid of the awful 'friends' I made. I want him to hug me tightly and make the pain go away. The horrible terrible ache.   
The door opens, but it's not accompanied by a squeak and there is no jagged red line flashing across my vision. Just my sobs and the person in the doorway. The bed sags as they sit there, next to me. They slowly wrap their arms around me and I sob harder as I recognize the scent of lemons. Kyoya. Kyoya is there. Kyoya is hugging me so tightly I can't breathe and I've never been so grateful for such a thing. The sobs trickle to a stop and I eventually get the courage to look up at him. There's no lying this time. There's no fake smile. There's just my face, complete with tear-tracks, hallowed eyes and four fading bruises, previously angry and dark black and blue, and there's Kyoya's face. Saddened and grief-filled. And I tell him the truth this time.   
"Kyoya," I whisper. "I need help. I need  _you_." 


	2. Part Two-Kyoya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short as shit, probably because I wrote this years ago when I was almost twelve and couldn't write for shit. It's posted to my old Wattpad, though, so if you see this on Wattpad I didn't steal it from anyone but my dark as fuck fetus self.

Kyoya knew it was his fault. He knew he shouldn't have let his anger get the better of him that night and just left Tamaki even though something was obviously  _wrong_  with his best friend. But it had scared him to see Tamaki like that, and he had been angry with his friend for even  _thinking_  of doing something so  _stupid_. And then when two more weeks went by without Tamaki even replying to, or even seeing, any of their texts, calls, and visits to his house. So Kyoya marched past the butler to Tamaki's room to apologize. Choosing how to word the right apology, he swung open the door without even knocking. And curled on the floor at the foot of his bed was Tamaki, tears streaming down his face, arms a mess and red staining the floor with empty bottles and pill containers scattered around his feet. Kyoya had choked on air as he watched his  _best_   _friend_  pass out. He had screamed something to the maids and called an ambulance from his family's hospital. Tamaki had to have surgery just to get out all the damn pills the idiot swallowed and all the alcohol that streamed through his veins. And then he had gone comatose for two more weeks.   
Kyoya checked up on him everyday, swearing on his life not to make the mistake of leaving him again.   
After two weeks of Tamaki's comatose state Kyoya came around sometime around four thirty to see his friend up and sobbing into his knees. Kyoya didn't hesitate too long before he sat down next to him and just pulled the broken boy closer to him. Eventually the sobs quiet and he pulls away. I miss the warmth of him curled to my chest but I don't say anything as he searches my face and I search his. There's bruises and tear streaks marking his beautiful face. His wide violet eyes are shattered and dull, and it makes me angry all over again. Tamaki,  _my_  Tamaki, should be annoying and obnoxious. He should be laughing and coming up with crazy schemes but the schemes should be things like 'wouldn't it be a great idea to paint the whole school neon green?!' and not 'it would be fun to down this whole bottle of pills!'. Kyoya's heart felt like it would snap if he stared into his friends eyes much longer. And Tamaki's eyes dropped just then like he read Kyoya's mind. Kyoya immediately missed it though and was about to do something about it when he heard Tamaki speak instead.   
"Kyoya," Tamaki whispered. "I need help. I need  _you_." Kyoya froze. His eyes trailed down to his best friends wrapped arms and the IVs sticking from his pale hand.   
"Then I won't leave you this time. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Kyoya mumbled in response. Tamaki's head jerked up.   
"Sorry? What are you  _sorry_  for?" Tamaki seemed to fumble for an explanation to what Kyoya had just told him.  
"I'm sorry for leaving and not doing more. I'm sorry this happened to you." There was a lot more Kyoya wanted to apologize for. Tamaki let out a tiny laugh.   
"It's not your fault I fucked up, Kyoya," Tamaki whispered in reply. "It was my fault. That's... It's always my fault. I-I always manage to do the stupidest things. I can't do anything right, you know? You can't go blaming yourself. It's not your fault I dragged you into," Tamaki waved his hands dully as if searching for the right word. "All this. This, just all of it. And I'm sorry, I mean, for dragging you into the Host Club-."  
"Tamaki." Kyoya tried to interject.  
"It was a stupid idea, I know. Only a complete idiot would even think of such a thing, right?"   
"Tamaki." Kyoya tried again.   
"You know what, I'm just sorry for all of this. Of course someone had to be there the last time I fucked up, but it wasn't the last time after all because look, I'm here after all. I'm just- I'm just a disappointment. That's why I guess..."  
"Tamaki!"  
"She's right. My Grandmothers right, my fathers right, everyone was right-."  
"Tamaki would you stop talking for one minute please!" Okay, not the nicest thing to say to your friend who just attempted suicide. But it worked. "You- you are  _not_  a failure. You did not fuck anything up and if I didn't want to be in the Host Club I wouldn't have but here's the thing, I did. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and the twins and everyone else in the Host Club. You are brilliant, and beautiful and I don't know- I don't know what horrible things your family has told you but it's not true because you are amazing, okay? So please just shut up. I'm not ever going to leave you again and do you know why, Suoh? It's because I care about you. So many people care about you. These last two months without you have been hell. And I can't apologize enough for not... Being there for you... I'm sorry, Tamaki." Tamaki gaped at him. He didn't say anything for a while, he just snapped his jaw shut and looked down, his blonde hair hanging into his eyes as he picked at the bandages on his arms. Kyoya moved his hands away gently, and a wet drop fell on his hand then.   
"Tamaki?"  _Shit_.  _Did I_  say  _something_   _wrong_?   
"Thank you, Kyoya." Tamaki mumbled, glancing back up. Kyoya nodded.   
"Do you need anything now, Tamaki?" Tamaki didn't reply. Instead he just turned to Kyoya hesitantly like he was afraid to do something.   
Kyoya slowly opened his arms, figuring out what that something was. Tamaki practically flew into them, curling his face into the crook of Kyoya's neck.   
"I'm not leaving again, Tamaki," Kyoya repeated softly. "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought! Leave your thoughts in the comments, subscribe for more and leave any mistakes you find in the comments as well. Leave a kudos if you liked and thanks for reading!


	3. Part Three-Tamaki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, on Wattpad, the end of the story because my 11 year old self wrote the shortest shit. However, I CAN write more on Archive of Our Own if you guys want! If I get enough comments and can find the time I'll add on some longer, better chapters and wrap this up for real with some fluff and recovery or whatever you guys want. So comment if you want more chapters I guess ^.^

Of course he would say that. Of course he would say the one thing that I needed him to say right now because Kyoya Ootori is just that kind of brilliant perfect person.

I don't even know why he was here. Why didn't he just leave me there alone, to die? Why did he visit me, and then when he saw me here why did he stay and hug me and comfort me? He should have just left, but he didn't.  
And I'll never know why. He should be disgusted with me, he should be swearing to me that we'll never speak again and that he hopes to never see me again, and that he only saved me because he never could have lived with the guilt of just leaving me there- but instead he was hugging me. I stiffened as I realized that I was hugging Kyoya. Perfect, flawless Kyoya was being hugged by an imperfect, flawed and scarred fuck-up of a human being. I could practically feel myself tainting him.  
I drew back, already missing his warmth. He gave me a disapproving look and I looked down.  
He swept me back into a hug before I knew what was happening and with a little squeak of surprise I reluctantly gave in and fell into the hug.   
"You're not a fuck-up or a disappointment," Kyoya muttered silently, almost angrily. "You're not imperfect or ugly or whatever you think about yourself and you're not a mess or stupid and- and you're not a failure." In the few moments that followed my brain was too wrapped up in the warmth of the hug and the comfort that came with it to come up with a competent response so I just mumbled,   
"Okay," into the crook of neck, willing to agree with anything he said at the moment.  
"Then why did you... Why did you do.. This?" Kyoya muttered disdainfully at my bandages. I blinked up at the ceiling. Why did I? Was there even a reason that wouldn't set Kyoya off? "Just tell me, Tamaki. The truth, please." I scoffed a little into his neck. The truth. What good was the truth? My Voice told me the truth and it did this to me. Nevertheless, I told him.  
"Because my mind was a mess. Everything was a mess and I couldn't think straight and nothing I did was right. I couldn't get anything right and my mind was jumbled and even when I played the piano I messed up and forgot what came next, it was horrible. I was exhausted, Kyoya, but I couldn't sleep. The sleep medicine not only let me sleep but it make my head shut up for goddamn once, and when you took it away I was upset and I couldn't understand why no one could seem to understand that I  _needed_  it so badly." Kyoya was silently. I heard shifting and felt him move as he got comfortable. His fingers nimbly traced the bandages wrapped around my arms.   
"You could have talked to me," he chided me softly. I shook my head.   
"I didn't want... I was embarrassed because you're so... Perfect and amazing and elegant and-" I cut myself off as I blushed. "You're just  _you_ , Kyoya." Kyoya laughed then. A deep hearty laugh that I felt vibrate through me. I pouted at that. When he saw my face he forced himself to stop laughing, but he still grinned as he told me,   
"Tamaki, I'm laughing because I think you're amazing and perfect and elegant and- hell, I think your beautiful too. You  _are_ , even if you can't see that and nothing you tell me would ever make me think less of you..." Staring up at him and listening to the words streaming thoughtlessly from his mouth a flush ran through me and I thought of the one thing that I knew he  _would_  hate me for. I felt a rush of boldness flood me and I felt the need to prove him wrong. My face clearly must have told him what I was thinking because he opened his mouth and chided me.   
"Nothing, Tamaki, I mean that-" I cut him off by doing the one thing that I knew could prove him wrong.

I kissed him.

I had always wanted to do that, with a practical burning passion. He made a startled noise into the kiss just as I began to draw back but he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back. He deepened the kiss and we pulled apart a moment later for a brief second to catch our breath, then swooped back in to finish what we had gotten ourselves into. He licked the bottom of my lips and I parted my mouth slightly as he ran his fingers through my hair. Our tongues met and only clashed for a brief second before he won the miniature fight for dominance. I let a soft sigh escape my lips when we finally pulled apart for air. Gulping for air like a fish and looking disheveled I stared at him with wide eyes. His lips were bright red and a little swollen and I only assumed mine were as well.   
"Well, you seem to have proven me wrong," I breathed. He grinned a cheeky grin.   
"I did," Then after a moments hesitation, "Does this... Change anything?" He said it nervously. Flushing bright red I stuttered,  
"Only if you want it to." Kyoya gave me a brief glare because I knew neither of us wanted to answer that question.   
"Then yes... I want it to."  
"So do I," I mumbled quietly, flushing again. Kyoya gave me a sly grin and pulled me into another kiss, pulling away after only a moment and whispering against my lips so I could feel his warm breath as he spoke,  
"Well then, Tamaki Suoh, will you be my boyfriend?" I smiled into the kiss as I pulled him back into it.  
"Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought! Leave your thoughts in the comments, subscribe for more and leave any mistakes you find in the comments as well. Leave a kudos if you liked and thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you thought! Leave your thoughts in the comments, subscribe for more and leave any mistakes you find in the comments as well. Leave a kudos if you liked and thanks for reading!


End file.
